Yes, Geeklawyer apologises to those sensitive lawyers not able to bear his brusque and intemperate language. But really, he is utterly utterly upset. He bought the new Nokia N800 Internet tablet because it really did look like the ultimate Geek PDA toy: an absolutely OMFG drop dead gorgeous thing. A PDA sized device with a brilliant screen running a cut down Debian Linux distro. Stereo sound, microphone, decent memory (in PDA terms) & fast CPU. Geeklawyer felt the surging demands of true love for the first time.
Gorgeous. Better even than Ruthie in pink leathers with the jacket unzipped to the ankle.
But unlike Ruthie, well able to deliver on its promises (and not evil and sociopathic — but let us not get distracted by metaphore — oh bugger it why not).
Well, it seemed so. Geeklawyer typed his order into the Nokia website (it’s only available online from them) so fast that he had to take Ibuprofen to mitigate the risk of RSI.
It arrived and he played: the N800 and Geeklawyer laughed together and held hands, span merrily around in children’s playgrounds and tripped happily hand-in-holder through downland meadows. Then…
First he noticed a couple of reboots. Hmmm. Odd but no biggie. Then they got more frequent and then 2 days after he got it, it decided that it liked it’s own splashscreen so much that it refused to budge beyond it. Narcissim to rival only Geeklawyer’s.
Geeklawyer sobbed gently as he proferred it to the Royal Mail wrapped in about 30 Metres of bubblewrap. An anxious frought week passed in silence, and then another. And then Geeklawyer went skiing, still fretting all the while for his One True Love. No, not Ruthie. Not even nearly.
He began marching the downward spiral of madness that all suffering lawyers tread;
“They have lost it. They have lost it. Oh no, no no no.”
“Oh God, why didn’t I post it recorded delivery, they will say that they never received it — that the Royal Mail lost it”
“What is my cause of action here?”
“contract? no dummy, the initial sale was a contract. The T&C’s spake not of service”
“ah! bailment. Gratuitous bailment? yeah, but that sounds crap — desperation; like arguing breach of Human Rights — everyone knows you have nothing better. Nokia’s lawyers will pull me apart. Even me.”
“Hang on, it’s only £220 they’ll settle. No they won’t, they’ll take it to the House of Lords & then the European Court.”
Come on — don’t lie, you’ve had those moments too. It’s not like Geeklawyer is an obsessive neurotic whacko.
It returned yesterday. But of course Geeklawyer was out. And he got The Card. Which bore a telephone number that was, with trembling fingers, dialled, only to find a droning bitch with a 30 level deep voicemail menu:
“… or if you would like an Xmas card from Nokia please press 9.”
“… if you believe Hegelian dialectic logic was fundamentally misconceived press 45″
And who, at one point, automatedly justified herself to Geeklawyer by claiming that she was ‘empowering’ him, no giggling was detected at her end.
Oh dear God in your Heaven, Geeklawyer said, “please please listen to me. Let us cut a deal: I will resile and acknowledge Jesus and all his great works if you will GET ME BACK MY FUCKING N800!”
The CityLink delivery driver was probably a bit surprised when Geeklawyer kissed him deeply passionately and tearfully on the lips while thrusting a £50 tip into his hand.
The perfect screen bloomed white. Westminster Cathedral Boy’s Choir sang out the joyous Nokia theme tune which resonated in deep booming glory through the City, demolishing several tower blocks and killing a couple of hundred pointless chavs. But nonetheless people smiled in the street and sang odes of joy. The Sun radiated streaks of warm honeyed yellow over the land. Daffodils sprouted spontaneously in the parks. Geeklawyer was bathed in a sea of endorphinous sensuous calm. The user interface appeared and all was so very right with the World.
And today two days later he sees again a white screen. The blue words ‘Nokia’ stare out at him. Fixed, unchanging, eternal, unmoving, mocking, hateful & implacable.
Like God’s poisonous hatred for Geeklawyer.
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