The fat and the furious

April 20, 2008 – 8:22 pm

Some news reports are just too weird to be plausible. When one thinks of John Prescott, the lard-ass ex deputy Labour party leader with an unsurpassed talent for inarticulate gibberish, a number of images spring to mind. One that doesn’t is John hunched over a toilet bowl returning his lunch to the wild. It seems he has come out of the closet (Perhaps Viscount Linley’s?) as a bulimic. Frankly, if this:

Fatty Prescott

is what he looks like after bulimia he seems to be a pretty good example to use for girls with eating disorder: Bulimia will make you look like this.

On a similar warning note if you are member of an old aristocratic English family you may be worried about the dangers of inbreeding. Of course the same even applies if you are a bunch of krauts like the Saxe-Coburg & Gotha’s Windsors. If your family’s gene pool is a little shallow then making it deeper by filling it with 20,000 gallons of sewage from retardess Princess Di’s family might not be the smartest move. Proof you say? Oh fuck dude, pick up a paper. Or look at the recent news of pretty boy Princess William’s empty headed £30k joyride in an RAF Chinook helicopter for no better purpose than to impress some bimbo he wants to fuck up the arse.

Jealous Geeklawyer? Fuck yea.

By Geeklawyer | Posted in Random Fire | Comments (33)

Looniest Judge *ever* Award: nice try - no pie, Peter.

April 19, 2008 – 9:41 am

Having also been on the wrong end of a major bollocking recently Geeklawyer has not a little sympathy for Mr Justice Peter Smith. Pete was referred to the Office for Naughty Judges (OJC) last year after showing “undoubted animosity” towards one of the parties in a case before him.

At least that’s the polite version. Geeklawyer told it as it really was last year: it seems law firm Addleshaw Goddard blew Pete out for a high paying gig (an attempt to parachute out of the burning Royal Courts of Justice - otherwise known as ‘Doing a Hughie“) and he blew a fuse; the fucking huge 100 amp one marked “Common Sense”. And then it got weird as Pete made a full-on stampede for the stage in an attempt to snatch away the Silver award winner’s cup for the  “Looniest Judge Evar“  from Judge Florio of the Philippines.

When AG were on the record in the trial Pete totally lost it and ripped them a new one:

“MR CRAMPIN: Having had an unsuccessful discussion or negotiation with Addleshaws, your lordship expressed yourself in strong – intemperate, almost — anguish.

“MR JUSTICE PETER SMITH: Nonsense. I don’t know what part of the country you come from, Mr Crampin, but it’s about time you grew up. If you think that’s intemperate, then you are on another planet from me. If you thought it was intemperate, then you should have seen the correspondence which didn’t trouble Mr Twigden.

“MR CRAMPIN: I’m endeavouring to make a submission, not to engage with your Lordship in badinage of that kind. The question that a fair-minded person –

Any judge in that position would hope, in a moment of calmer reflection, that it would get better; but like being caught by one’s wife balls deep in the teenage girl from next door one would have to know that it wouldn’t. A complaint to the OJC was inevitable and realised.

A year later however Pete has caught a break. The Lord Chancellor and the Lord Chief Justice, Lord Phillips of Worth Matravers had a chat about it all down the pub over a cider or three and decided that while Pete had been somewhat of a plonker he merited only the bottommost level of sanctions: a reprimand for misconduct. The ONJ said:

Today a Judicial Communications Office spokesman said: “The Lord Chancellor and the Lord Chief Justice have carefully considered the Court of Appeal’s comments on the conduct of Mr Justice Peter Smith . . . and have concluded that the conduct in question amounted to misconduct.

“As a result, the Lord Chief Justice has issued a reprimand to the judge.”

Lord Phillips of Worth Matravers, said: “I consider that a firm line has now been drawn under this matter.

“Both I and the Lord Chancellor value the services of Mr Justice Peter Smith and he has my full confidence.”

Geeklawyer’s also; though he is fully confident that if Addleshaw Goddard intruct him to appear before Pete he will find that his diary is unexpectedly full for a jolly long time indeed.

By Geeklawyer | Posted in human failings, legal profession, trials | Comments (5)

Geeklawyer fangirl hits the bigtime

April 16, 2008 – 9:54 pm

Geeklawyer is feeling a wee bit bitter and twisted. First Geeklawyer got beaten to a Times writing gig by law blogger BabyBarista (who feigned surprise at this and expressed both justifiable admiration for Geeklawyer and pain at his being deprived of his rightful dues). Then Geeklawyer blog fangirl, Evil Lena gets a Comment is Free column in the Guardian.

When Geeklawyer says “a wee bit bitter and twisted“, he means this in the same sense that Hitler did when he said “I’d just as soon not have a beer with a Jew, if it’s all the same to you“.

Of course the fact that she is nearly as talented as Geeklawyer softens the pain somewhat. And while the treatment of the topic was probably brilliant (Geeklawyer was too bitter to actually read it). The fact remains that if any other reader of this blog goes on to success then Geeklawyer will demand a cut of the profits, or at least the fame. The time for your fucking freeloading off him is, like the Napoleonic wars - which he won all by himself, over.

By Geeklawyer | Posted in This Blog, blogs, geeklawyer | Comments (23)

Gay Royal blackmail victim wont go into the witness box …

April 14, 2008 – 6:55 pm

Which was not his attitude to his manservant’s ‘box’.

Geeklawyer has covered the story before. It seems that this is the first time in a century that a Royal has been blackmailed (though of course if it were successful how would one know?) Obviously it can’t be true because the victim is a married Royal with children; and anyway there can only be one Queen in the Royal Family.

It did seem a bit odd to Geeklawyer not to have the victim on the stand - one imagines that that would significantly damage the prospects of the accused being convicted. Still even if the prosecution can’t make a case perhaps the victim can? But he would need expert woodworking skills (please don’t use that as a clue to try and hunt down the identity of the royal involved ;) )

By Geeklawyer | Posted in crime | Comments (12)

Random Fire 9

April 12, 2008 – 7:50 pm

It isn’t just Geeklawyer who thinks Internet access is a human rights issue and that “three strikes” and you’re off the Internet is a music industry bullshit way of dealing with copyright infringement and their own broken business models.

More proof that the “War on Terror” is having absurd knock on effects on common sense. Since terrorists take surveillance photographs of targets then anyone taking photographs might be a terrorist. Seems obvious went you put it like that; so PCSOs and proper cops are hassling photographers seen taking pictures and insisting on their deletion.

Amusing: a Maasai warrior chief & marathon runner in the UK to run writes on English novelties. On the Saturday April the 5th he wrote:

“…I miss meat and blood very much. Not vegetables because they are food for a woman…”

Take that you vegans. Geeklawyer is very fond of vegetables himself: they pay his absurdly high fees without complaint.

By Geeklawyer | Posted in Random Fire | Comments (24)

Chav watch 1: Did you want a taxi or a piece of furniture?

April 11, 2008 – 10:13 am

[Register] There is an hilarious story of some South London chav scum wanting a taxi to Bristol airport. This shell suited scrubber, presumably 16 and with a baby in tow, rang the directory inquiries operator:

Chav Whore: “I need a Joe Baxi”

Operator: “I can’t find anyone by that name”

Chav Whore: “It ain’t a person, it’s a cab, innit.”

Operator: “connecting you”

[Phone rings….]

Puzzled Saleswoman: [… Long confused discussion …] (internal voice: “What the flying buggery fuck is this cum swallowing whore on about?”)

Chav Whore: “Look love, how hard is it? All I want is your cheapest cab, innit. I need it for 10am. How much is it?”

Puzzled Saleswoman:£180.

Chav Whore: “Cha, right, K, nah probs, sawted. Jar nah wot I mean innit?”

And of course what turned up on her door a day later was a glass fronted “Cab,innit”. Sadly the cabinet had no steering wheel tyres, or driver and it was singularly useless in getting the chav to Bristol airport.

On one view the saleswoman was inept in not understanding what was articulate and comprehensible Sarf Lundun AliG patois: the better view is that chavs should learn not to try to participate in life outside their Peckham council estates.

Geeklawyer would feed chavs feet first into an industrial mincing machine; although both the nicer ones he would feed in head first. Softy that he is. What would the diction God Paul Scofield have made of it?

By Geeklawyer | Posted in waaaaay off-topic | Comments (14)

Blair: money whore & tyrant appeaser

April 10, 2008 – 10:03 pm

Geeklawyer was, predictably, smug at the Court of Appeal’s decision to tell the Government that Tony Bliar’s policy of ejecting People-We-Dont-Like to Tyrannies-We-Now-Like with civil liberties regimes that he hoped to emulate is illegal. Of course the obvious danger to this unwilling tourist was entirely negated: Phoney Tony got a solemn good conduct note, scribbled in prisoners blood, from the regimes concerned:

“Sure Tony, we will treat them fairly, honest  :wink: “

But it gets better: the High Court then kicked Tony in the bollocks while he was still stunned and reeling from the CA’s decision. It turns out that allegedly corrupt payments were made to the Saudi’s and that those in receipt of them coerced TB into dropping corruption investigations on the threat that they wouldn’t buy lots of our jetfighters. Of course that wasn’t really the reason sleazy Tony dropped the investigations. No, honest. It was because the Saudi’s are a key partner in preventing terrorism.

The Court laughed at Philip Sale’s argument that it was simply impractical to stick by the rule of law and high moral standards so we must just do as they wanted. The CA’s retort was “No sale Sales”.

Of course if the oil despots really wanted to stop terrorism they could just stop giving billons of dollars to the terrorist groups they sponsor. But of course, being a genius, only Geeklawyer can comprehend this stunningly sophisticated anti-terror strategy.

By Geeklawyer | Posted in Civil liberties & human rights, terrorbollocks | Comments (6)

Nothing changes

April 8, 2008 – 12:31 pm

Twatty government minister are prone to saying that we are facing new types of [something dangerous/annoying] in society that needs legislating against to protect the public, or actually to appease Daily Mail readers. Hoodies are a classic example but Professor Robert Bartlett has done research and found that gangs of lawless binge drinking hooded yoofs were widely perceived as a problem

By Geeklawyer | Posted in crime, politics | Comments (10)

Gordon Brown & Jackie Smith: fingerprint bounty

April 6, 2008 – 7:23 am

NO2ID and Privacy international have issued a £1000 bounty for anyone who can legally obtain the fingerprints of Gordon Brown and those of his typist/Home Secretary Jacqui Smith.

The stunt was inspired by the publication in Germany of the fingerprints of their Interior Minister.

The Government is pedalling the idea that retinas & fingerprints are a biometric feature that will make the ID card secure and so something we can all trust: ludicrous. Ministers have even prattled on about how biometrics will protect our identity and stop identity theft. Quite how it would have stopped the HMRC losing 25 million individuals details on CDs isn’t explained. Methods to forge fingerprints are widely known.

Geeklawyer would like to join in the spirit of the stunt by offering a reward of £5,000 for each of Gordon Brown and Jacqui Smith’s entire fingers, sod the prints.

And £20,000 for each of Tony Blair’s eyes, preferably with attached and still bleeding optic nerves.

Oh dear, Geeklawyer senses an imminent DOS attack; and another visit from the Metropolitan Police complaining about his sense of humour.

By Geeklawyer | Posted in Civil Liberties, ID Cards | Comments (11)

Government to repeal ban on protests around Parliament

April 1, 2008 – 5:08 pm

[This isn’t an April Fools joke! Thank fuck]

It looks as though the NoLongerNeoLabourHonest government of Gordon Brown is going to allow protests around Parliament (PDF of proposal). These were banned by the Dear Leader after Iraq war protests. The protests outside Parliament demoralised the NeoLabour sheep within and it made it harder for the Whips to drive them through through Parliament’s voting pens. Any shepherd will tell you: sheep are very hard to drive through gates of any sort when people, let alone voters, are shouting and yelling nearby: they panic (the sheep, that is).

So it is all the more astonishing that Brown has followed through on his promise to repeal one of Bliar’s prime anti civil-liberties anti democracy moves.

One hopes that this is not buggered up in its legislative passage through the Mother of all Democracies.

By Geeklawyer | Posted in Civil Liberties, politics | Comments (13)