Wigs? What?!

Sometimes life imitates satire: recall BabyBarista’s story on being misled as to the need for proper court dress some while back? Of course the obsession of the Bar with Wigs is a story that has been retold time after innumerable time on UK lawyers blogs: it is so much more important than justice, defending legal-aid or civil liberties. After all what the hell’s the use of a free society if you can’t wear bits of dead pony to cover your bald patch or lack of talent? Exactly.

Geeklawyer was in the High Court last week on matter which was a sad little business — the capitulation of a noble claimant in a valiant, doomed, but worthy cause. He trolled into Court X intending to stand before Mr Justice Hearditallbefore and wave the white flag with whatever dignity his punter could manage, which was, to be frank, not much. Now the rule is, in the Courts where Geeklawyer normally hunts, that wigs are only for trials and not interim matters. And you can guess where this one goes: to his horror all the other counsel — the regular boys, LJ Hearditallbefore’s little posse — were all in full circus outfits. Wigs. Gowns. Bands. The fucking works. What to do? Well naturally a man of honour would ‘fess up to the judge and hope for the best. Geeklawyer did the only thing a man such as he could do:

‘My Lord I am improperly dressed because a pack of feral Solicitor-Inadequates attacked me at the Strand entrance of this Court so as to steal my wig. My Lord, they fled with it and my gown and bands while yelling “We has the precious. We has it, is ours. We wants it, we needs it.” My Lord I assembled a hunting pack of Barristers and we gave chase up Chancery Lane and as far as Holborn Tube but they eluded us.’

Mercifully the otherwise crusty LJ Hearditallbefore was a decent old codger and fell for it hook line and sinker. Even Geeklawyer’s utterly bollocks arguments about the necessity of a detailed costs hearing on a one day matter were allowed comiseratory passage.

Geeklawyer was rumbled by one local hack who, unconvinced even for a split second, whispered:

“Never mind all that bollocks — if you are after me I’ll lend you my wig.”

This cameraderie mutual respect and brotherly support is what lies at the heart of the English Bar. Geeklawyer declined the offer because the pathetic wreck was a criminal barrister: with Legal Aid what it is he probably couldn’t afford to wash his hair from one month to the next and probably had lice; “No thanks my dear chap, terribly grateful but I’ll wing it before the old buffer.” What’s a brother to do? eh?

In the end everyone noted that LJ Hearditallbefore’s eyes were seen to fix repeatedly on Geeklawyer’s dichroic cufflinks which undoubtedly salvaged him from the deserved fate of a bullshitter.

Geeklawyer has revisited the rules on court dress and will not be so complacent in future: He’ll be wearing a frigging Tutu.