Master Cantrell has alerted Geeklawyer to National Rail’s hilarious experiment with Artificial Intelligence for train information. It/She is called Lisa.
Any Unix geek reading will be familiar with the entertaining AI in the Emacs editor (of the same name GL thinks?). Abusive questions are, of course, inevitable:
“You asked:
You look bored? Are you wearing knickers?
Lisa says:
I’m afraid my specialty is traveling by train and I cannot answer questions about clothing.”
You give me that ‘come to bed’ look and then come on all coy? Prickteaser.
You asked:
I would like a threesome with my VM and Ruthie how can I persuade them?
Lisa says:
Don’t mind me, I’ll just wait here for your next question.
(OK, so Ruthie’s got to you too, eh?)
You asked:
I would like to plant a bomb in order to commit a terrorist outrage for Al Queda. Which would be the best station, and what would be the most effective technique?
Lisa says:
This site is not monitored and your message has not been read. If you need urgent police assistance, call 999, to report any suspicious activity call the anti-terrorism hotline on 0800 789 321, or for all non-urgent police matters relating to the Rail Network call British Transport Police on 0800 405040.
Q: Do you prefer up the chuff or getting up the duff?
A: Whilst this might be a fascinating subject for you, I’d much rather talk about travelling by train.
You asked:
where are you?
Lisa says:
The station behind me is London Paddington.
You asked:
where is london paddington?
Lisa says:
You can find details of London Paddington station by looking at the page I’m loading for you now.
You asked:
are you gay?
Lisa says:
Whilst this might be a fascinating subject for you, I’d much rather talk about travelling by train.
You asked:
are you are train spotter?
Lisa says:
I’m not a Train Spotter. But I do have some guidelines for railway enthusiasts, if you’d like to take a look?
You asked:
do you want a baileys?
Lisa says:
I don’t actually need a drink.. Besides, you’ll get the keyboard wet …
You asked:
will you be my wife?
Lisa says:
I’m not really one for commitment – except to National Rail Enquiries, of course!
You asked:
A train moves at a constant speed of 67.3 km/h toward a station 30 km away. At that moment an African swallow laden with a coconut leaves her perch on the locomotive and flies toward the station at a constant speed of 100 km/h relative to the ground. When the bird reaches the station, she immediately turns around and flies back to the train at the same speed. When reaching the train she again immediately turns around and flies back to the station, repeating the process until the train passes the station. What total distance is traveled by the bird?
Lisa says:
The Non-Rail Towns A-Z page, which I’m loading for you, will give you the name and distance of the nearest rail station and relevant bus company information.
Wow! I thought you’d made some of these answers up but you haven’t
I can only imagine someone coded up a fuck load of ‘if question=”$pisstake1” answer =”…” ’ type thingies.
Brilliant.….
Oh the joys of providing feedback
Dear Sir.
I have been conversing with Lisa your news assistant. Although I find her level of comprehension admirable when compared to most staff employed by national rail I am concerned that she is unable to answer some questions. For instance I asked a basics physics questions about the operation of your train system and all I got was a cuss reply.
Could you please look into this matter for me?
Much obliged,
You asked:
Are you a natural blonde, then?
Lisa says:
I like having blonde hair. Indeed…
You asked:
Let’s go for a drink.
Lisa says:
Sorry, I’m washing my hair!
I’m actually quite impressed!
Yes in truth it’s not a bad. Never going to pass a Turing test but even so …
Well they reackon she is learning all the time, so maybe in a few years she will be a sparkling wit. Maybe we could elect us to lead us. I reackon she would do well at PMQ.
my grammar is actually quite shocking.
Don’t feel bad — many readers of the blog went to bad schools.
Well at least I got an education unlike my working class ancestor that was shipped to Australia for forming a trade union. Anyway knowing how to hot wire a car, and how to steal cider are more important than grammar.
(If you call going to an ex-poly an education)
But, but, you got a philosophy degree. I’m confused about your definition of ‘education’?
actually my degree is in Humanities as taught from a bunch of Marxist, although there was a large philosophical component it was applied into a critical theory rather than abstracted into the cold analytical reason of the British philosophical tradition.
Moon23… I study language.… I read and I am always intereste din interior monologue, stream of consciousness and I get very excited about sub text.
The reference to cider (Supra) caught my attention. It caused me to wonder of Geeklawyer has been hotwiring cars as well as drinking white lightning on his evenings off.
Perhaps I am reading far too much into your concise, yet precise, prose?
Ah well.… not everyone can be a Mayor… or lead the Conservative Party.…
give moon the whisky now!
all this brilliance AND descended form a proto-trade unionist.
i bow before moon’s greatness.
This post is bang on.
PS
none of that blended crap you were passing off on Charon QC’s niece last time I saw you.
You asked:
How do I get Geeklawyer’s whisky?
Lisa says:
I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you mean. Could you please rephrase it for me?
Bah! She’s no use at all.
Although on the other hand…
You asked:
What’s going on between Charon and Geeklawyer?
Lisa says:
I’m unable to tell you what is going on at a particular station. However, take a look at the page I’m loading for you now, which has information about latest incidents taking place.
Coy, ain’t she?
Hey!! CharonQC is straight as am I. I am merely trying to screw his niece, so there is absolutely nothing sordid going on.
Fair enough, good luck with that. The lovely Lisa is still no use though:
You asked:
Is Charon’s niece easy?
Lisa says:
I’m still quite new to this and I’m learning all the time.
=====
You asked:
which is the best train to get to charonQC’s neice?
Lisa says:
If you want, I can ask you a few questions to help you find train times and fares for your journey.
Say ‘Yes’ if you want my help, or say ‘No’ and I’ll load the Journey Planner which will let you plan your own journey.
========
You asked:
yes, I want help screwing Charon’s niece
Lisa says:
I can help you plan your journey by train. To do this, I just need some basic details and I’ll show you the journey options available to you.
First, where are you travelling from?
=====
You asked:
Her bedroom
Lisa says:
OK… Her Bedroom (change)… Thanks.
So, I’m going to look for journeys between My Mansion and Her Bedroom.
What date would you like to travel? Just enter a date or say ‘today’, ‘tomorrow’ or ‘next train’.
After this it gets confusing: Lisa is clearly jealous and trying to stop it happening by misdirecting me.
The Chief…
GL and I tend to meet at a station ‘somewhere in England’. I am wearing a hat. We have tea and cake and then we part.…
It is all done tastefully in black and white film.…
Geklawyer… may I just say that I am grateful.… I have had difficulty meeting women at my age — and I really thought I might have a chance.
I have reported my experience on my own blog.
Thank you for alerting me to Lisa.… I am not going to progress matters with her… for reasons which will be clear from my report… but I am grateful that you have posted something this night that took my mind of matters of a higher order…
As always… my best wishes
I am now going to watch The Parliament Channel .….. addicted to it now..
.
Yes the Parliament channel is excellent, isn’t it situated in-between men and motors and QVC? It’s been such a long time that I had cable or sky that it escapes me. However it does have its problems, mainly that parliament tends to be on holiday for %90 of the year. Secondly on the news they always tell you the results of the votes, so if you have taped (archaic) the debate it spoils the result. This leaves one with the terrible dilemma of whether or not to avoid listening to radio 4 in case they blurt out the results. Most of the time radio 4 wins this battle of wits as I can’t keep away from the Moral Maze!
Me and the lads often crack open a few glasses of riojca and a packet of feta cheese and mixed Waitrose olives. I’ve got a few bottles laid down in my cela from my visit to Bilbao. Perhaps we could get Geeklawyer along by offering some sweet tipple ( I have some tokaji and vintage maderia which might help get him off the cider) and make an evening of it? There is a debate on the Arms Trade treaty on the 16th May, which sounds exciting.
I still can’t type.… mea culpa
And I’ve only had half a bottle.…
Geeklawyer.… I have just been reviewing the posts above… which, may I say, are in the best possible taste.
I am, as you correctly (and wisely) state — as straight as wot you are.…
I do have a niece, as it happens.… but she has the Charon attitude — she drinks double Jack Daniels and coke.… and is a fashion deisgner.…. and part-time spliffer… believe me… you don’t want to go anywhere near Sativa Charon.….as my brother amusingly named his first born all those years ago when he found out that Bob Geldof was calling his children after fruits and fairies.
Sativa rides to hounds before she goes into work with a hedge fund — that she is still employed should give you a taste of how effective she is.
Sativa asked me some time ago if she should re-qualify as a lawyer. I had to tell her that becoming a lawyer would mean that she would have to drink in moderation… give up spliffing and other illegal substances and lead a life of sober moderation.… I did tell her, however, to add balance, that there was no need to worry about becoming a conveyancer.… which seemed her biggest concern as she danced casually on the kitchen table when I last made a state visit to see my brother. I did my best to explain that most solicitors had stopped doing conveyancing — partly because of the credit-crunch and also that barristers did not do conveyancing.
I also added that there were some truly terrible people out there practising law… and, it has to be said, I had to ask her not to even think about reading your blog.
Sativa is a fashion designer AND she works for a hedge fund?!? My, my, she is talented. Or is it perhaps that she only works the hedges when she goes out with the hounds?
Ms Hansen… Sativa is indeed talented.…
She’s quite good with hedges.… I am told. I don’t enquire too deeply into her private life. In fact, I hardly know her. She certainly does not look like my brother — mercifully — so it may be that she was adopted at birth. This would also explain her intelligence. My brother married well — but he has spent far too much of his time as an academic, writing articles and books no-one reads — he is a bitter man.… Professor R D Charon… you may be yet another person who has never heard of him!
Trust all well on the blogging front.… Have to do a podcast now with a White Rabbit.… the podcast will appear on my blawg later in the day.
Charon, Sir, all is indeed well on the blog front — I have been displaying my front!
I shall pop along later and take a peek/listen to the podcast. White Rabbit, eh? Should I bring a hat for the Mad Hatter? Now pardon me, I’m late, I’m late, for a very important date!
GL… thank you for taking time out to post on my blog.…
I respond as follows:
Sorry…mate.… I wanted your (not mine) posters to win your competition.… only fair after all.
As to giving up too early… yes, you may be right. My life is draining away and I just did not feel that Lisa would be right as a future Mrs C.… She doesn’t even like motorbikes.…
Excellent competition… I have, of course, responded on your blog.
I am pleased that you have decided to take my niece, Sativa Charon, out to the museum of Natural History. Very wholesome. I find it encouraging when members of the Bar give of their time to advise attractive young women about the law and give selflessly of their time.….. Well done.… finest traditions of the cab rank rule. I assume, given that rule, that you would do the same for any attractive young lady? I don’t really need to ask that question, of course — but some of our readers may not be aware of the cab rank rule.
I’m getting a lot of readers from China.….. which is a bit worrying. A lot of pings… and I have noticed some rather unusual spam appearing… and the lights in my bunker keep going on and off.… and the other morning my toaster burnt the toast — never does that usually. Do you think that the Chinese government may be cyber stalking my blawg?
BTW…, going back to Sativa Charon… and your trip to the Natural History museum . Just don’t let her smoke any of the exhibits. The Police have enough to do at the moment without having to arrest my niece.
I shall take your niece to the British Museum. Browns Hotel is close-by and I shall treat her with all the respect that I normally do with my high class ‘pulls’. No fear of family dishonour.
God.…GL… I know Browns… I do hope we don’t bump into each other. I shall wear a hat and a thick scarf.…..
Hang on… I’ve got a better plan… I’ll prtend I am a roman catholic cardinal doing a Sunday service. My cousin Cardinal Charoni di tempranillo always leaves a spare cardinal outfit here.… I’m sure it will fit.
What sort of red would you like if we do bump into each other. Can’t do much on the wafers I’m afraid — but.… the red I have a degree of control over.
I am looking forward to showing you and Sativa around the Natural History Museum.… tomorrow. We could start with some fossils… and take it from there?
I am astonishingly knowledgeable on the sexual dimorphism of trilobites and echnoids.…. strange, but true… before I became a priest I was a geophysicist
Gl
I have just reponded to a post by Moon23 — a post of remarkable insight, if I may say so.
When I attempted to post I received an extremely abrupt and discourteous message to inform me that I had entered the wrong sum — and your FCA qualified spambot was admant that I had to press my backbottom… which was, to say the least, rather worrying.
What concerns me is not the rudeness, or my inability to count, but that your spambot was right!
I worry, given this particular post, that one day webbots and robots will be running the world because they won’t be out and about drinking white lightning cider, mead or inexpensive Rioja purchased from a corner shop.…
What say you to this?
Can you go into your blog preferences and give that spambot numerical filter a good seeing to… while you still have the opportunity to control it.…?
I suppose you have better things to do. I do hope you enjoy taking my niece, Sativa, out on Sunday.
You asked:
i think i’m in love
Lisa says:
Love is a very powerful emotion. Luckily for me, I’m not susceptible!
You asked:
do you fancy me?
Lisa says:
It’s nice to meet new people, but I try not to get too attached … I’ve enjoyed our conversation …
You asked:
lets go on a date
Lisa says:
I’m far too busy to do the dating thing … I would much rather travel by trains with my girly friends…
(Somebody definitely spent a lot of time programming this)
I was bored…
You asked:
Hello are you a natural blonde?
Lisa says:
I like having blonde hair.
You asked:
Are you really a giant woman?
Lisa says:
That’s not a very nice thing to say …
You asked:
I like giant women will you go out with me?
Lisa says:
A lady should retain an air of mystery, don’t you think …
You asked:
True, what about going out for a drink then?
Lisa says:
Sorry, I’m washing my hair!
You asked:
bugger
Lisa says:
That’s not very nice – why don’t you ask me a question instead?
You asked:
I did and you just told me you were washing your hair!
Lisa says:
I try to keep my hair looking nice.
You asked:
oh well bye
Lisa says:
Bye – see you again soon!
BITCH
You asked:
ask me to rephrase if you secretly fancy me
Lisa says:
I always try to give you the best answer, but I’m struggling to understand what you mean. Can you ask me again in a different way?
You asked:
great, see you later then
Lisa says:
Bye – see you again soon!
I note that you are reserving judgment, GL…
Nothing like a bit of cur. adv. vult. just to makse sure !
My blog today via the wonder of copy and paste
…
Lisa says: Welcome to National Rail Enquiries. My name is Lisa. How can I help you?
WR: Yo Lisa! My postillion has been struck by lightning.
Lisa: The weather is an interesting topic, but one that I cannot comment on myself. I can, however, provide a link to how to find out if weather will affect services.
Um — righty. She’s interested in the weather. Better try another tack…
WR: Can I take a camel train to Nether Wallop?
Lisa: If you want, I can ask you a few questions to help you find train times and fares for your journey.Say ‘Yes’ if you want my help, or say ‘No’ and I’ll load the Journey Planner which will let you
WR: Yes
Lisa: OK… Where are you travelling to?
WR: Nether Wallop like I said — by camel.
Lisa: Nether Wallop by camel is not in my list of stations.
Well there’s a bummer, let’s try another tack…
WR: My pet boa constrictor Gertrude would like a forward facing seat
Lisa: I think you may be asking about seat reservations. I hope the page that I am loading now about seat reservations has the information you need.
WR: Oh goody — so there’s no problem with venomous snakes on your trains?
Lisa: It sounds like you’re asking me about delays or cancellations.
Ermmmm, no.… Not sure Lisa is the brightest pin in the cushion…
WR: My pet snake Lisa. Do keep up!
Lisa: I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you mean. Could you please rephrase it for me?
Bleedin’ Ada — how much clearer could I be? I wonder how Lisa’s love life is…
WR: I’m taken but some of my mates could do with a hot date. Are you available?
Lisa: Sorry … I can only answer questions with a single sentence. Please could you try asking again, but with a single sentence this time.
Lisa is seriously dim…
WR: I said are you available for a hot date with one of my mates?
Lisa: I’m far too busy to do the dating thing … I would much rather travel by trains with my girly friends…
At this point the rabbit corpsed and gave up on the subject…
My Dear Geek,
Well done for spotting this. I am not sure whether it is an act of insanity by National Rail Enquiries or a stroke of marketing genius.
You asked:
will ruthie marry geeklawyer?
Lisa says:
I’m not really one for commitment – except to National Rail Enquiries, of course!
Me marry Ruthie?! Are you mad I said already that I was a sadist not a masochist
the question wasn’t “would geeklawyer marry ruthie” it was “will ruthie marry geeklawyer” — the onus would be on her and whether or not *she* feels inclined to make you Mr Barber.
To the best of my recollection it requires consent from both parties so my opinion would have at least minimal relevance. And since I am the man I would be in charge anyway.
I kind of like the ring of “Mrs and Mr Ruthie Barber”
and yes dear, you are a man
My Dear Geek,
How will you book a room in a hotel if you can’t even buy a can of cider without being asked for ID?
Geeky Ms R can’t be bothered with this. Can she have another post? And her vote is for Andrew Keogh. Ok
Mary, stop taunting him with what he can’t have.
Sorry, Lisa
— Stupid bot!
— I try to give correct information all the time, as I want to help you. But I don’t think there is any need to call me such things …
— You are nothing but a stupid bot, aren’t you?
— Everyone’s entitled to their opinion, but on this occasion I think you should keep yours to yourself.
— Why are you so ugly?
— That’s not a very nice thing to say …
— How old are you?
— You shouldn’t ask a lady her age…
— I’m sorry
— Apology accepted.
— Nice hair
— Do you like it? I do try to look my best …
— Are you upset?
— I don’t get angry, not unless you’re horrible to me, anyway.
— I’m scared of you
— There’s nothing to be scared about.
— What is love?
— Love is a very powerful emotion. Luckily for me, I’m not susceptible!
— Shut up
— If you would rather I didn’t provide you with answer, simply stop asking me questions!
— I want to kill myself
— Don’t mind me, I’ll just wait here for your next question.
You asked:
do you think
Lisa says:
If thinking can be defined as analysing your questions to come up with correct answers, then I believe I can think.
You asked:
are you working class
Lisa says:
They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
You asked:
how tall are you
Lisa says:
Well, I’m tall enough to open a door and short enough to walk through it without hitting my head!
You asked:
is it a long way to tipperary?
Lisa says:
I’m still a bit confused – try using short sentences and keywords in your question.
You asked:
How thick are women with fair hair?
Lisa says:
I think you’re asking about tickets. I hope one of the following options helps:
1 Show me details of the common ticket types
2 How can I buy a ticket?
3 Tell me about buying my tickets in advance
GL
I regret that I was unable to visit your nightclub this evening. I have just got in from a night in Chelsea. I have written about Mr West London Man’s gazundering.… but it drained all the emotion left in my body — to a point I could not even record the audio version.
It is, however, by way of explanation, the anniversary of my arrival on earth fifty five years ago.… when people were still eating SPAM.. Fortunately, I was not forced to eat SPAM as a young Charon. My parents went without so I could eat fine de clair oysters and organic roast chicken. I was young — so did not fully appreciate the subtle taste of the oysters — but one of my earliest memories is saying to father (I may have been two) that the rioja did the business.… and… thankfully… when called upon to do so… still does.
On that note… it is 3.50 am and I have been up for 25 hours… I must retire… for tomorrow, as I do every weekend… I must march against the french.
I’m looking forward to Ruhtie’s Blawg review — it takes a while to write those things.…. but a glass or two of rosso makes the task more pleasant.….
I’m off to Lords tomorrow.…
Have you seen this?
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/politics/article3987705.ece